I’ve recently come to a rather major epiphany. The likes of which, I admit may sound a bit obvious once I dive into it here. But, disillusionment works in mysterious ways, and when it comes to psycho-spiritual revelation, language cannot fully describe the feelings of knowingness within one’s own psyche.
So I admit it. I caught myself playing the victim game. Again. And this one was a rather long bout of Ryan v. the World. And my tools for managing my space had gone flying out the window. Again.
The last few months have been tough. There have been interpersonal dynamics at play in the workplace, time management issues across the board, zapped creativity and enthusiasm, and near crippling fear and anxiety. Life themes of self-worth, self-confidence, faith, commitment, and dedication have been returning to the shores of my mind with each changing tide.
Above all of this, there was a lie in the center. I was unconsciously embracing the ever-familiar role of “victim” in relation to the external events taking place in my life.
I found myself uttering phrases to in my head that sounded like,
- “Oh, I didn’t get to it because I have been so slammed from x,y, and z and I just didn’t have the time,” (when in actuality, if I had been better at managing my energy and emotions, I totally could have) and
- “Why doesn’t she understand how hard I am trying?!”
- “If only they could just…”
- “Well, they are being the bad guys– I am the one being transgressed here…”
- “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
I was phoning my closest friends and family, oversharing my anxieties and “conflicts” in an effort to receive both external comfort and validation for having them in the first place. I was reaching and reaching. I felt like a martyr, and I wanted to be saved from the discomfort.
Bottom line, I was perceiving all of these events as things that were happening to me. And because these things were so far “out of my control,” I was not looking for the opportunities where I had the ability to respond. The places where I could own my part and look for the lessons in it. The places where I could save myself.
Here at BlissNinny, we teach what we practice. We teach tools such as “Minding the Gap,” “The Golden Key,” and several ways to clear your energy and focus it on what you want to create in life.
But see, I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t picking up the responsibility by flexing my will power to use the tools that I know (from years of personal experience) work. Instead, I dove into the emotional content of my life story and buried myself in it just enough. Just enough to feel extreme discomfort, buy into it, and forget the way out.
Luckily, I work with amazing people who I am blessed to call my best friends; and one of them has an incredible number of crystals.
If it weren’t for Judi and Chris being there to hold up the mirror for me, I’m not sure that such a drastic shift would have happened. Moreover, if it weren’t for all of Judi’s transformative crystals, and her intuitive enthusiasm for bathing me in their cleansing vibrations, I don’t think I would have been able to release as much as I did in the crystal healing session.
As much as I wanted to write a blog that told a personal story exemplifying a problem and offering guidance, showing that I took my own advice– what I am realizing now is that this blog is more about acknowledging the transformative power of friendships, compassion, and love.
Our relationships and the folks with whom we surround ourselves with have just as much of an effect on us as our own behaviors and habits. If you are lucky enough to have a friend or group of people in your life that can hold you accountable and hold you to your own values, it is perhaps one of the most sacred gifts of all.
So for the moment, my work is to maintain the conscious awareness of where “I” am right now; how I can make things more easy if I just relax, relinquish control, trust the work and actually do it. Even in the darkest of times, when it doesn’t “feel” like it’s going to work.
You just have to keep showing up.