As I read, and listen, and wander through the corridors of spiritual reality, I keep coming up against this concept of “surrender.” And it’s funny, because for most of the people I’ve worked with, “surrender” is a very difficult concept to wrap their minds around. It’s like it’s been ingrained in the American psyche as a marker of danger and failure; like the quote from Galaxy Quest–”Never give up—never surrender!” Just hearing the word “surrender” stimulates a vibration of conflict in the gut. It’s like, if I’m being asked to surrender, I must already be at war—even if I’m not aware of it.
And in a way, I guess, that’s true; but the person with whom you’re locked in conflict is often yourself, and the war is a battle of your own making.
Let’s see if we can bring this into greater clarity.
If you are in conflict with something or someone, it’s likely that you’ve engaged them—consciously or unconsciously—in a battle for control of the situation. So start breathing deeply and letting yourself become aware of all of the things in your life that you’re trying to control. All of the things that stimulate a feeling of frustration in you, because you can’t seem to change them. And there are a lot of things in physical life that we can’t change.
The key words here are “engaged” and “control.”
Attempting to control other people’s attitudes is a big one, whether their attitudes are directed towards us or towards others. Notice, for example, whether the judgmental unfairness of racism makes you froth at the mouth. I know that it’s something that sets me off in a snap. But here’s the thing; not only can you not make people act respectfully towards each other–Hell, you can’t make a three year old eat peas!–as soon as you move into a place of trying to force someone to submit to your will, you’re not acting respectfully towards them. But there’s a powerful response there—a combination of one’s inner sense of compassion and caring, coupled quite often with a healthy dose of past-life experience, where you were once the person in the underdog position, that may stimulate places where you’ve been locked in a battle for supremacy for much of your life.
Racism suggested itself to me because no matter which role you’re playing in this dynamic, it touches us all. It’s a big one. Notice those feelings as they arise. Notice whether you feel that in hating people who are racist, you are acting “correctly.” Notice whether you feel self-righteous, or belligerent. Notice that those emotional states often make us feel strong. And notice, too, that maintaining those states can be exhausting.
Now ponder the word, “surrender.” To most people this means “to give up,” and not in a good way. It implies that one has been forced to submit to the will of another from a place of weakness; you surrender only because you’ve lost the battle, and the likely alternative is bloody death. Yeah–that feeling state rankles, for most folks. It puts you into a state of survival. Notice your breathing, as you consider these concepts. Has it changed? Did your diaphragm tighten up? Did you start to take short, quick, shallow breaths—panic breathing? Or did you stop breathing entirely—a concealment strategy? Did your body start preparing to fight, flee, or freeze? My guess is that if you’re really aware of how your body responds to considering external threats, the answer is “yes.” So while I’m going to suggest that surrender is the key to ascending and truly transforming your life, I’m also going to offer you another word in place of a word that suggests weakness, danger, and failure.
I’m going to suggest the word, “disengage.”
I think that this is much closer to the Eastern concept of “non-attachment,” and is an action that you take from a stance of conscious awareness and strength. When you disengage, you release an attachment, not to your values or ethical mores, but to the conflict surrounding them. You step back from trying to control another person’s actions or emotional states, and you anchor yourself powerfully into an awareness of the power of your own stance. You shift to control the only things you truly can control—your own perspective, and your own response.
While this is invaluable in finding balance with highly charged dynamics like racism, it can also get you into the habit of letting go of old battles that will never be won; old conflicts that will never be resolved externally; and it can bring you into the present, into a place of inner resolution, with more of your energy available for you to move forward.
Take a deeeeep breath.
I’d like you to think of something in your own life that you can’t change. It can be anything. A particular dynamic within a relationship. A disability. A current financial or emotional circumstance. Pick something you wish was different but is not. Something that makes you feel tight and tense and probably angry.
Breathe in … breathe out any tension and stress that you’re willing to release. Ground yourself. Give yourself permission to take the time, in this moment, to address this uncomfortable feeling of stuckness.
Feel into that thing that you can’t change. Notice where this energy sensation is stored inside of your body. Notice all of the different parts to it. To whom is it connected? What words stimulate the memory? Don’t re-connect to them; just notice the link.
Notice the frustration connected to it. Notice if there’s anger associated with it. Or sadness. And almost always, down at the bottom of the emotional layer-cake, there will be fear. Notice the fear.
And here’s the important action step: let yourself feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Let the feelings expand. Hang out there, but then slowly become aware that each of those emotions is associated with, or linked to, some kind of action. Find a place where you’re used to feeling angry, for example, and then notice that you usually move that anger into blaming someone, or punishing them, or judging them. The same happens with fear, or sadness. There is always energy invested in an action step in a recurring emotional response.
Slowly sift the pure emotion out from those linkages, and then–this is where the magic happens—disengage the emotion from the action step. Brush the emotion to one side of your body, and put the action step on the other side, leaving a clear gap in-between, so that the centerline of your body is open and clear.
I call this technique, “Minding the Gap,” and the purpose of this game is to allow yourself to feel your emotions deeply, and yet not invest your emotions in actions or emotional stances that cause you to move into a place of being embattled. It is possible to allow yourself to feel the anger and injustice of racism, for example, and to take decisive action to help create societal change in that dynamic, without frittering away your energy investing in hatred and punishment. Disengaging your emotions from patterns of random conflict allows you to address any situation more clearly and with greater focus. It allows you to be more clear, more comfortable in your skin, but most of all, to be more effective.
(I encourage you to read the story of Blues musician Daryl Davis, who managed to step outside of the energy of conflict to an amazing degree. His is an astonishing tale of growth and transformation, not just for him, but for a couple of hundred other people. https://www.npr.org/2017/08/20/544861933/how-one-man-convinced-200-ku-klux-klan-members-to-give-up-their-robes )
Hang out with your feelings and notice that when you allow yourself the luxury of simply feeling; of experiencing an emotional flare without needing to instantly take action because of the sensation; your emotions will reach a place of expression where they begin to dissipate. It’s like flash paper. If you don’t re-invest emotional energy into an action or judgment, they just … burn off. And as the emotional responses dissipate, you then have the bandwidth to pull your energy out of the habitual judgments and punishment programs you’ve tossed to the other side. As you reclaim your energy from those patterns and games, you allow them to dissipate as well. They vanish. Do this for as long as you need to; most of us have decades of these kinds of trip-wires to defuse.
Now begin to ponder that you have a connection to God, or Source, using whatever name you call that aspect of consciousness that is larger, and more powerful, than you. Ponder that we are a part of a vastly complex plan that has been in process for eternity, and that the one little life we are living is just a breath of experience in this vast plan; small, but integral to the whole. For just a moment, let yourself know that you are a part of that massive consciousness, and that that consciousness has a plan for the unfoldment of your growth. You don’t have to worry about what it is—you have total freedom to simply relax and allow. You are seen. You are valued. You are integral to the whole. Feel that expansion. Let that sense of freedom fill you. Feel the lightness of it.
“Surrender” has another meaning. It can mean, “to give (something) over to the control or possession of another.” When you choose to disengage, you can surrender your emotional participation in ongoing emotional conflicts. You can surrender control to the one Being who does not expect subservience from you, and whose consciousness is large enough to handle the task—God. You can regain your equilibrium. If others want to perpetuate the battles, that’s on them. But you can take back your freedom—and your power—any time you choose to bring your consciousness to bear and Mind the Gap.
Let God be in charge of other people’s behavior. In the moment, just be aware of yourself. Notice the games you play. Notice the places where you are disrespectful of others, and allow yourself to embrace the same respectful stance that you enjoy receiving from those around you.
I don’t often quote the Bible, because it’s been rewritten and edited by men with political agendas so many times that it’s not funny, but, as a psychic, I do see that there is truth in the words attributed to Jesus as recorded in Matthew 7:1-2, in the passages called The Sermon on the Mount. There, JC said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
I don’t see this as the discussion of a moral dilemma; I see this as an actual energetic dynamic. The energy of judgment that you invest will lock you to the discomfort of the conflict. It’s a self-imposed shackle. The only way to get out of it is to withdraw your energy of judgment and disengage. Minding the Gap is a technique that allows you to feel your body’s authentic emotional response—but it allows you to release it, rather than re-invest the energy in a continuation of hostilities. ”Do to others what you would have them do to you,” (Matthew 7:12) isn’t just an ethical directive; it’s a dynamic tool to take control of the places where you lock yourself to a person or conflict by investing judgment in the relationship. It’s like a glue that you can dissolve with the focused power of your mind and will.
It’s your choice.