I was recently pondering what my next blog topic would be and I was feeling stuck. I haven’t done a lot of writing, other than business letters and documents, in over 30 years, so I was feeling a bit panicky and wondering who, exactly, I thought I was that I could even attempt to write anything, let alone a blog. The answer to the question of, “Who do I think I am to write a blog?” (or anything else, really), is, of course, “I am a child of God with divine purpose.” So, instead of heeding the panicky feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and wallowing in it, allowing it to consume me, I sat down, got my space, and started running my energy.
About 15 minutes into my meditation, I started feeling lighter and then saw the words “you are the light.” I meditated on that for a while to see where it would take me, and as I came out of meditation the words to a song started playing in my head. Another answer to the question of “Who do I think I am?” That song was “Light of the World” by Stephen Schwartz, from Godspell, one of my favorite musicals. If you are not familiar with the song, listen to it here on YouTube. The lyrics are:
You are the light of the world
You are the light of the world
But if that light is under a bushel,
It’s lost something kind of crucial
You’ve got to stay bright to be the light of the world
You are the salt of the earth
You are the salt of the earth
But if that salt has lost its flavor
It ain’t got much in its favor
You can’t have that fault and be the salt of the earth!
(chorus)
So let your light so shine before men
Let your light so shine
So that they might know some kindness again
We all need help to feel fine (let’s have some wine!)
You are the city of God
You are the city of God
But if that city’s on a hill
It’s kinda hard to hide it well
You’ve got to stay pretty in the city of God
(chorus)
You are the light of the world
You are the light of the world
But the tallest candlestick
Ain’t much good without a wick
You’ve got to live right to be the light of the world Last
I was raised Catholic and grew up attending Mass every Sunday, listening to the priest from the third or fourth row, so I was familiar with the bible verses (Matthew 5:13-16) upon which this song is based. In high school, I was considered a “Jesus Freak” because I went to bible studies and retreats. I don’t think I was preachy (at least I don’t remember being so), but I probably wore shirts with “God phrases” printed on them. I was mocked by a few fellow students and at least one teacher and I quickly learned how to dim the light and hide myself. I climbed under that bushel and nailed that puppy to the ground!
I was also in the drama club in high school. My junior year we put on Godspell and I won a part in the musical. It was so much fun!
In 2008 I started learning the in-body meditation/energy work that we teach. For the better part of the last decade, I’ve kept the energy work side of me separate from the “real life” side of me. I loved meditation classes and the work, but I didn’t discuss it with anyone outside of the meditation group. It was kind of like having a secret life. I felt that the two couldn’t and shouldn’t mix. For me, keeping it secret felt safe and it allowed years of the armor I had so carefully put in place to stay put.
Not only was my light under a bushel, so was I. I had lost my flavor. There was no wick, there was no light.
I think it took me around 5 years to realize that the armor was getting pretty heavy and it was getting in the way of my happiness. And so I spent time learning how to release the armor I built around myself, how to get out from under the bushel, pile on the flavor, and shine.
It was a journey of self-acceptance, of taking responsibility for my words, thoughts, and actions, (which can be challenging when you are trying to accept that you create your own reality) and there were times when I wanted to quit (almost weekly!). But I didn’t. Instead, I began to shine a bit more every day, to shed the armor and feel lighter.
People started notices changes in me, in my attitude, and in my general demeanor. I was less angry and closed up. I was less sarcastic. When asked about those things, I talked more about the energy work and the meditation classes. A few friends started taking the classes as well and one or two still do. My boss even once suggested that he liked the “new” me so much maybe he should start paying for my classes (should have held him to that!).
And then we had the idea to form BlissNinny and suddenly I was public whether I liked it or not. I talked more about the work and BlissNinny. A good friend recently shared with me that she was so motivated by what I’d been saying that she set up her own meditation room. I gave her a wonderful CD of meditative music (Pilgrimage by BlissNinny’s own Ryan Herrick https://ryanherrick.com) and a journal. Not something I would have given anyone outside my “meditation circle” just a few short years ago.
This year, for the first time ever, I had a political sign in my yard (don’t worry, this isn’t a political pitch. I have no preconception of how you should feel; this is just how I feel). I also hung two small banners, one that says “Hate has no home here” and the other that says “In this house we believe that black lives matter, women’s rights are human rights, no human is illegal, science is real, love is love, kindness is everything.” I have never put so obvious an indication of how I feel out for the world to see. I didn’t want arguments and I was fearful of vandalism.
A few months ago we had firewood delivered and the owner/delivery driver told me how much he liked my signs, and just a few weeks ago we had to have the refrigerator repaired, and again, the repairman gave me a thumbs up and told me how much he liked my signs. I was so surprised!
I almost didn’t tell the story of the sign and banners because I didn’t want it to appear that I am trying to sway people to feel the same as I do politically. I’m not. It just how I feel and it’s the first time I‘ve been so public about it. I am beginning to understand a bit more about neutrality and know that I don’t have an agenda for other people. I do, however, have a moral obligation to know how I feel and a right to express it, particularly if it doesn’t hurt anyone.
A few years ago my husband and I were facing the notion of being empty nesters. Our oldest son had moved out earlier in the year and our youngest was headed out on his own too. For the first time 27 years, we would have the house to ourselves. So naturally, I started thinking about how great it would be to have a baby in the family again. No, not a human one (I’m not that crazy!) but a four-legged, furry one. We had just had to let our first dog, Foxy, move out of her pain and our beloved cat had passed on a year earlier. We were petless and about to be childless. My husband wasn’t quite ready for another dog but intuitively I knew it was time, so when our son showed me pictures of a pup that his friend was trying to find a home for, I jumped at the chance to meet her. A week later we surprised my husband with a bouncing, and teething, five month old baby girl. He was in love from her first kiss! Just the other day he told me that bringing her into our family was the best idea I ever had (short of marrying him, of course!). The old me, the one cowering under the bushel, would not have gone to meet the pup because he didn’t think the timing was right, but I would have been angry and resentful. The new me, the shining light, knew that puppy was exactly what we needed, and I listened to my intuition and will be forever glad that I did.
So here I am, standing with my light shining and my voice occasionally quavering, doing my best to show some kindness. I think we could all use a bit of kindness right now.
Let your light shine!