In my last blog I wrote about how, as I was weeding and clearing my yard, I was weeding and clearing my own space, and as I loved, nourished and fed my plants, I was loving, nourishing and feeding my own psyche. As I get ready to tackle the next project on my never-ending house project list – cleaning closets – I realize that there is a lesson in it for me as well. A bit of clarity and wisdom.
In a recent meditation session with my teacher, Judi, we were discussing letting go of old habits and patterns that no longer serve. As I was working on releasing things, she told me that the imagery I was presenting to her was that of peeling off layers of old clothes and letting them float away, down my grounding cord.
As I stand in front of my closet contemplating all of the clothes hanging from the rod, I realize I have many items that I just don’t wear, but are still hanging there, ever hopeful they might actually see the light of day sometime soon. Then I look up at the t-shirts on the shelf and feel almost overwhelmed. Though I’ve seen larger, my t-shirt collection is rather large and runs the gamut from souvenir shirts from places I’ve visited, to concert shirts, to political shirts, and more. Yet, on a regular basis I only wear around 25% of them. The rest sit in my closet, getting creased and collecting dust. And then there’s all of the fleece jackets with which I seem to have a love affair, and the casual business clothes with which I don’t.
Standing there, taking it all in, I start to feel overwhelmed. Where do I start? There are experts who say if you haven’t worn something in the last year (some even say six months) you should toss it. If I did that, most of my wardrobe would be gone. I’ve been mostly working from home for the last two years so I have a regular rotation of clothes for my super casual home office look. But I may be back in an office again so I can’t get rid of all my office-type clothes, can I?
Then there are the experts who say to look at the item’s functionality. Well, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and fleece are pretty functional. But I suppose the ones with big holes in the armpits or around the neck band may fall into the not functional category, but they are perfectly fine for yardwork and housecleaning.
Other experts say to discard items that are out-of-date. Again, there goes more than half my closet! Though I don’t think t-shirts really ever go out-of-date.
In her book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”, Marie Kondo says that the best way to choose what to keep and what to let go of is to “…Look more closely at what is there….take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy? If it does, keep it. If not, dispose of it.” (She also says that she now keeps only thirty books in her personal collection, and that’s just crazy talk!).
As I glance through my wardrobe and look more closely at what is there, I realize that many of the items hanging in my closet I’ve had for over 20 years, some for close to 30 years. Some of them I’ve held onto all this time, even though I never wear them, and they don’t bring me joy. Much like the old energies, pictures, and patterns in my own psyche. They’ve been there for decades and aren’t serving me but are instead, taking up space that could be used for something new and fun.
So why do I hang onto them? They have memories and feelings associated with them. The oversized, long-sleeved t-shirt I bought when I was pregnant with our youngest, 26 years ago, holds feelings of happiness and joy, and I love the artwork and the quote on the shirt. All of the souvenir t-shirts and sweatshirts hold memories of family vacations. Yes, many of those items in my closet are associated with fun, happy times.
But then there are the items that I keep that hold the not-so-great energy. The energy of sadness, regret, shame. The energy of wishing things could be different. The dress I wore to my dad’s funeral holds so much family emotion and turmoil, I can’t bear to look at it. Yet it holds so much significance for me that I still keep it in the back of my closet. I may never get rid of that dress. The shirt I was wearing when I said something I considered stupid and embarrassing, and now I can no longer wear without thinking of that event, but I still hold onto it. The jacket I was wearing when I realized that a friendship had changed drastically and ended because I had changed so much, but yet I can’t bear to wear the jacket or toss it. These things do not bring me joy, but yet they’ve held space in my closet for years. My dad died in 1998, so that gives you some insight into how long I can hold onto things.
And then there are the clothes I love that are too small but the thought of getting rid of them is bittersweet. Getting rid of them means I acknowledge that I will never be that size again, and that’s tough.
So, how do I go about the process of clearing out my closets and letting go? I combined the processes that we teach, along with a bit of Marie Kondo magic (that 30 year old men’s flannel shirt does not bring me joy), and I sorted everything into piles. As I briefly held each item, some were very clearly in the “toss it now” category, some still had a bit of an emotional charge, some had a big emotional charge, and some were very clearly keepers. The “toss it now” category was the easiest, as I was clearly not clinging to anything associated with that pile, so off to the donate pile it went. For the items that still had a bit of a charge, I put everything in a pile and pulled all of my energy out of those items at once, and let them go. Now they can go to the donate pile clear of any lingering energies from me, and be clean and clear and ready to bring joy to someone else.
The items that still had a big emotional charge I handled one-by-one. As I held each garment, I closed my eyes and, using my clairvoyance, I could see pictures of the events that locked energy to the piece of clothing flutter up in front of my eyes. Bringing it to consciousness helped me understand, intellectually, why I had invested energy into the garment. That intellectual understanding helped loosen my emotional hold on the energy and the event. These pieces took some time and there were a few that I knew I still wasn’t ready to remove completely, and I realized that was okay. There are no rules that say I must do it all now. So a few things went back into the far reaches of the closet for me to continue to pull my energy and stuck pictures from. Someday, if the time is right, they may be in the donate pile. Or maybe not. I may keep them to cherish the memories.
As I sort through my wardrobe, piece by piece, letting go of the clothes I don’t wear, the clothes that hold the not-so-great energy, that don’t bring me joy, the clothes that have been too small for years, I am reminded of a quote I recently saw, “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” It’s time to turn the page.